I hate to even consider this, I feel like I should be there, both for the added closure for me, and out of duty for her. But this whole... circus is tearing me apart. I'm getting used to the idea of her death, that she's gone, and not coming back. But even while I'm coming to terms with this, the thought of the viewings and funeral fill me with... dread isn't even the word. I'm shivery, shaky, spent today sick and at one point dry-heaving (although this could in part be due to the stomach flu, I really honestly don't know), and I really don't know how much more I can take.
I imagine part of it's that I don't really want to see her lying there, dead. I guess I'm apart from a huge number of the normal populace in that I don't find this comforting, or what have you. But a huge part is that I just can't deal with going out and dealing with so many people and all that, not right now. I just want... need... to rest and heal for a few days, and instead I'm supposed to be paraded out in front of everyone, be the good little grief-stricken daughter for everyone to commiserate with and feel so much warmer and fuzzier in their own little do-gooder souls for doing so. I just don't know HOW the hell I'm supposed to handle it. I need so badly to be alone and heal. Why won't they leave me alone?
I just really really loathe the way we deal with death in this country right now. Before you even have a chance to catch a breath, you're herded into a whole bread-and-circus situation, put up on display - you can't even be private in your grief. You can't do it in your own way, at your own time. Argh!
I'm just shaky, and near-panicked right now. So what the hell do I do?