March 17th, 2006

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I'm a horrible person

So just how absolutely horrible and wretched a person would I be, if I missed my mother's viewings, and/or funeral?

I hate to even consider this, I feel like I should be there, both for the added closure for me, and out of duty for her. But this whole... circus is tearing me apart. I'm getting used to the idea of her death, that she's gone, and not coming back. But even while I'm coming to terms with this, the thought of the viewings and funeral fill me with... dread isn't even the word. I'm shivery, shaky, spent today sick and at one point dry-heaving (although this could in part be due to the stomach flu, I really honestly don't know), and I really don't know how much more I can take.

I imagine part of it's that I don't really want to see her lying there, dead. I guess I'm apart from a huge number of the normal populace in that I don't find this comforting, or what have you. But a huge part is that I just can't deal with going out and dealing with so many people and all that, not right now. I just want... need... to rest and heal for a few days, and instead I'm supposed to be paraded out in front of everyone, be the good little grief-stricken daughter for everyone to commiserate with and feel so much warmer and fuzzier in their own little do-gooder souls for doing so. I just don't know HOW the hell I'm supposed to handle it. I need so badly to be alone and heal. Why won't they leave me alone?

I just really really loathe the way we deal with death in this country right now. Before you even have a chance to catch a breath, you're herded into a whole bread-and-circus situation, put up on display - you can't even be private in your grief. You can't do it in your own way, at your own time. Argh!

I'm just shaky, and near-panicked right now. So what the hell do I do?
  • Current Mood
    stressed stressed
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Almost done!

Thanks for the kind words and advice everyone. I guess I was mostly panicked last night, looking for a way out. I'm even worse with willpower and that sorta thing when I'm sick, which doesn't help. I managed to sleep a bit extra today (such as through my mother's first viewing, shame on me), so I'm feeling a bit better and less... unstable, at least.

I did manage to drag myself to the second viewing, and was there the whole time, except maybe 5 or 10 minutes at the start. And I'm planning to go to the funeral at least tomorrow, although we'll see about the burial part. Me and my huge-assed fever blister that I developed overnight. Whee.

The viewing was... yeah. It didn't look like my mother all that much (to me) in the casket, so in that sense it wasn't that bad. Just.. wearing. Especially greeting and chatting with people I couldn't recognize until they introduced themselves, getting hugged, kissed, fondled... okay, maybe not fondled, but you get the drift.

Well, at least family funerals and viewings are.... interesting around here. I haven't quite seen the level talked about in the Blue Collar Comedy Tour (someone cracking open a cold brew during the eulogy), but on the other hand we did get a nice discussion about the proper time for butcherin' a hog. (Cause you can't do it now, even as cold as it's been, it's not *butcherin* cold! Gotta do it around November!) Yeah.

Anyhow, I just keep telling myself that at least it's almost freakin over. Now if I can just get some damn sleep tonight, I'll be set. I hope.
  • Current Mood
    tired tired
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Oh, right!

Also wanted to give a quick thanks to all y'all who sent the flowers and gift basket. *hugs* I'm going to go eat some of the munchies out of that, now, actually.

Don't mind me, I'm still a bit scattered. ^^;;